Pushing My Limits: Part 1

My husband is currently at the park with both our kids. I am at home sick. What should be a relaxing afternoon of peace and quiet while the kids run off some energy has me a ball of chaotic nerves. This is the truly ugly side of anxiety. It can affect the people I love and not just me.

My husband is one of the best dads out there. He was made for it. He loves to play, is extremely patient with them and just loves being near them. I have absolutely no reason to worry.

Here’s the thing, my anxiety doesn’t care about any of that. My anxiety shows me all of the worse case scenarios, on repeat, in vivid details. What happens if one child gets hurt and while my husband is taking care of them the other one is taken? My son is a super friendly kid and it’s a constant worry he will just walk away with people. What happens if something happens to my husband? My kids are 3 and 2. God forbid some crazy thing happens like a seizure or a fall and my husband is unconscious.

These are the things anxiety shows you. Not the laughter that is happening or the memories being made. The ways everything can go wrong and my life will be forever changed.

My husband and I have decided it’s really time to push my limits and work past these issues. My son will be turning 4 in April and this is the first solo trip my husband has had with him to the park. I know it kills him to not have these memories and experiences with our children. And it’s unfair to him to not try everything in my power to fix this issue and help for things like this to happen. But right now all I want to do is get there as fast as I can and make sure everything is ok.

We have been working on overcoming my anxiety of driving and this morning I drove about 3 miles completely by myself. Something I never saw myself doing again. I know I can get through these things. I want to get through these things. I want to go grab coffee with a friend while the kids stay at home with Dad. I want to take the kids to the store by myself. I want my husband to be able to go out by himself with them.

But right now all I can think about is how they went ever be coming home. Did I tell everyone I love them? Did I give long enough hugs? How will I continue on without my family?

I want to relax, but my anxiety is telling me everything is about to change.

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